


ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

by marshmallowpuppy



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, Fake Episode, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-14
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2018-02-17 09:03:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2304164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marshmallowpuppy/pseuds/marshmallowpuppy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge takes Night Vale by storm. Many prominent residents take on the challenge. Plus, new marriage laws, the opening of a new Starbucks, and a call from Carlos.</p>
            </blockquote>





	ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

**Author's Note:**

> AUTHOR'S NOTE 6 Dec 2017: Due to recent revelations about the singer of the weather song I'd chosen initially, I've decided to change the song that plays for the weather segment. Yes, the song is from 2016 and the fic was written in 2015. It's Night Vale. We can roll with this, can't we?

If it ain't broke, don't fix it, they always said. Good advice, on the whole, unless you are talking about the fragile human heart. Welcome to Night Vale. [opening music plays]

Good evening, listeners. The most successful viral fundraising campaign in recent history has, at long last, dug its freezing talons into our scorching desert community. Many of you may recall that I received a call on air last night from... [heavy sigh] ... from Steve Carlsberg. Intern Claudia refused to let me hang up on him, so I heard his call to action. Recall that Steve asked me to take the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. And further recall, listeners, immediately after last night's broadcast, I hurried to Big Rico's Pizza to meet up with a talented team of scientists, who texted me during last night's weather segment to ask if they could join me in drenching my body in ice and cold water in order to raise awareness and money for important research on Lou Gehrig's disease.

I challenged Night Vale Mayor, and former Night Vale Community Radio intern, Dana Cardinal, to complete the challenge herself within 24 hours. Mayor Cardinal uploaded her completion of the challenge to the official Mayoral YouTube Channel around 3am this morning. She challenged former Night Vale Mayor, and current Director of Emergency Press Conferences, Pamela Winchell, in her response. Word on the street is that Pamela has accepted, and will be calling an emergency press conference to complete the challenge later this afternoon.

And now, the news.

The City Council announced some changes in how weddings will be conducted in the town of Night Vale. Effective immediately, all Night Vale residents seeking marriage licenses must submit fingerprints and dental records to the Office of Permits and Licenses by fax at least 100 hours before the intended time of their ceremonies. All wedding ceremonies are now required to have a chanting choir and must take place within a bloodstone circle. Wedding ceremonies during the new moon must now be held outdoors, regardless of weather conditions on the day. And finally, the Council has banned the use of the following songs at weddings or wedding receptions: "Every Breath You Take" by the Police, “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin, “Love is an Open Door” from Disney’s Frozen, "Wonderwall" by Oasis, "You'll Be In My Heart" by Phil Collins, and any song from the official Game of Thrones soundtrack. They have also banned playing "The Reason" by Hoobastank within the city of Night Vale for any reason whatsoever. Infractions of new marriage policies will result in the annulment of the violators' marriage, and the marriages of their parents, if applicable. And those who break the new Hoobastank rule will be fed to the flock of seven-foot-tall screech owls that roost atop the abandoned missile silo.

Government agents from a vague yet menacing agency would like to remind you that Area 51 does not exist. Area 51 has never existed. Area 51, if it did exist, would not be located in Night Vale. A representative for a representative for a representative for a proxy for a representative for the agency delivered a highly-coded message to this station, which, after hours of number-crunching, code-breaking, and Google Translating, said that if Area 51 were a real thing, it would be located in the shameful patch of sand that is Desert Bluffs. We in Night Vale need not worry about Area 51, said the message. It is not our town. It is not our business. It is not our reality. 

Night Vale Director of Emergency Press Conferences, Pamela Winchell, has just now responded to Mayor Dana Cardinal's call to complete the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. She called an emergency press conference, and after a four-minute harmonica solo, she poured copious amounts of ice and water all over not only herself, but also the gathered press pool. She, in turn, has chosen the president of our school board, the mysterious Glow Cloud, as her nominee for the next ALS Ice Bucket Challenge taker. No word yet on whether, or in fact how, the Glow Cloud will accept her challenge.

A new Starbucks location will be opening down the street from the Night Vale Public Library in a few weeks. The exact opening date and time is being kept secret for the safety of the general public. It is a well-known fact that librarians emerge from the library in droves this time of year in search of Pumpkin Spice Lattes and other such seasonal coffee beverages. Rumor has it that the new Starbucks location due to open soon is actually an elaborate librarian trap, and that the "pumpkin spice" that this location will be using, is actually a potent mixture of cyanide and horse tranquilizers. For your own safety, do not approach the new Starbucks when it opens. If for whatever reason you must enter this new Starbucks, do NOT order anything that may contain pumpkin spice.

And now, traffic. We've received word that school bus routes have been interrupted by the presence of alligators. Parents, please remember that yes, alligators can kill your children. We at Night Vale Community Radio advise that you keep your children indoors until the danger has passed. There is a three-car collision near exit 19 of southbound Route 800, and the off ramp at Old Town appears to be bleeding. Ambulances are on the scene, and medical personnel are attempting to cauterize the wound. Be careful out there, listeners, it appears that tonight's rush hour is going to be a tough one. This has been traffic.

[phone rings, Cecil answers] Hello? Carlos?

_"Hi Cecil. I got an email from Dave this morning with a link to your ice bucket challenge video. And I watched it, and I nearly cried. I just wanted to call and say I miss you too. All of you. I miss Night Vale."_

Oh, Carlos, Night Vale misses you more than you know. I... miss you. So much. You know, I've lived here all my life, and now that you've been here, a-a-and now that you're not, it's... It's almost not the same without you.

_"I'll be home soon, Cecil. Another week or two tops, I think. I'll try to make sure I'm home before you bankrupt yourselves, anyway. I mean, 20 dollars a day until I come home, that's... that's very noble of you, and I'm so proud of you for deciding to do that, but I'm concerned. If I can't return to you soon, you'll all run yourselves broke! Don't worry though, or try not to worry any more than usual; the universe has so many terrifying scientific phenomena to worry about but you need not worry about me. I think I've nearly got this cracked. I've been studying this desert for months now, it's an interesting place, fascinating even, with all sorts of complex and scientific marvels, but it's not my home. I think I've almost cracked this. And, Cecil, get this... Well, I'm not sure if I should tell you exactly while you're on the air, but... I saw something three days ago, as the sun was setting. I thought it was a mirage, but for all I know it could have been an actual glimpse of Night Vale!"_

Wh-what? Carlos, what did you see?

_"I saw smooth obsidian walls, Cecil. Smooth obsi--"_

[loud bleeping noises, radio static, sounds of birds and crickets chirping]

_"--94 percent chance that what I saw could have been the dog p--"_

Ohhhhh. Ohhh, Carlos... Oh, oh no. The Sheriff's Secret Police are standing outside my studio door, staring at me and shaking their heads as one, with looks of deep distain etched into the lines around their eyes and their downturned mouths. Carlos, I... I have to go. I love you.

_"I love you too, Cecil. Stay safe."_

Listeners, I fear that Carlos, my brave and beautiful Carlos, may have seen something that citizens of Night Vale are not, under any circumstances, permitted to know about. Intern Claudia is jumping up and down behind the Sheriff's Secret Police officers, waving her arms and mouthing something about... censoring? Ah, okay, it seems that part of Carlos's call to me was censored by the Secret Police. And, according to this origami deer bearing the Secret Police insignia that was just slipped under the door of my booth... [sounds of paper unfolding] I am to report for re-education promptly following the end of this broadcast. Oh dear.

Ummm... You know what, listeners? I have a few pre-recorded words from some of our sponsors right here, I think I'll just play that and, ummm, let them get this re-education business over with really quick. You know, while they're still right here and threatening me. So, without further ado, a few words from our sponsors.

[quiet, ominous music as the advertisement starts] You are alone in a dark stone room. The walls against your skin are hard, and jagged, and wet. You are hunched in the darkest corner, blood dripping from your nose into your cupped palms. It is a slow and steady drip. Your nose throbs with pain as each drop coagulates, then falls, into your outstretched, lonely hands. A bright light flashes overhead, and you see your hands, stained bright, dark red with your own dripping blood. [a gradual sound of rushing air begins, growing louder as the ad continues] There is a low rumbling sound. The light flashes again, only brighter. You cry out in pain. You can no longer see your own blood, it is falling, translucent, like red raindrops. The light flashes again, and you see it - the floor is transparent now and you see it below you - the bright bowels of Hell Itself, the great glowing coils of the universe unwinding. There isn't much time left, for you. Soon the floor will become bright, white light below you. Your eyes burn and water. Your nose bleeds and throbs. You must escape. You cannot escape. You must, you MUST ESCAPE...

[the music and rushing air stops] Wanna get away? [a small bing sound, and a quick rush of air] Fly Southwest Airlines. Starting October 25th, Southwest Airlines will offer nonstop flights from the Randy Newman Memorial Night Vale Airport, to seventeen new destinations around the United States, and, starting November 3rd, to three new international destinations. Act now, and receive a ten percent discount on your airfare when you mention this ad. Act next week, and receive a flight attendant's shriek of horror when he or she meets your eyes to offer you free peanuts on your flight. Southwest Airlines. The official airline of your escape from the unraveling of all things.

[a few moments of silence, a beep, and the sound of a switch being flipped. jaunty music begins.] Today's program is brought to you by Geico Auto Insurance. Did you know that a new species of gecko has been discovered in the desert of Night Vale? This new species of gecko eats only the most dangerous spiders, processing their venom into a deadly toxin secreted through the gecko's skin. If you encounter these geckos, do not touch them. These geckos are not endorsed by Geico, and touching them may result in burns, hallucinations, fits of screaming and sobbing, airway constriction, and death. To ensure your safety, do not use your car after dark without first calling a trained Gecko Removal and Deactivation Squad, certified by Geico. Geico - fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on your natural lifespan.

[jaunty music stops. Cecil stumbles back into the booth and huffs a little] I have returned from my re-education, listeners, and I am clean. I am clean, and I am free of the impurities of forbidden thoughts, and forbidden knowledge. So, how about we take a look at the community calendar?

Tuesday, Louie Blasco's Music Shop will be having a reopening ceremony at 4 PM. The shop, which burned down years ago, was purchased and rebuilt by the staff of Dark Owl Records, who have converted the old music store into the gleaming worship hall that will be officially dedicated Tuesday afternoon as the world headquarters of the Church of Buddy Holly.

Wednesday and Thursday, all schools and municipal offices will be closed, due to government-scheduled severe weather events. The official notice I received declaring these closures does not clearly describe what kind of severe weather we will have, nor the time of day that the events will occur. My best guess based on the smudged infographic they gave me is either an earthquake, a tornado, or a swarm of scavenging birds. In any case, stay alert this Wednesday and Thursday for severe weather.

Friday, the American Kennel Club brings its world-famous dog show to Night Vale Stadium. Tickets are $45 at the door, but if you order your ticket by midnight Wednesday, you need only pay three small payments of $24 and a half-pint of blood. Children under 5, and any dogs you wish to bring with you, get in free, as long as they are up to date with all of their vaccinations.

Saturday, the Night Vale chapters of the Boy Scouts and the Girl Scouts will face off in a battle-of-the-sexes board games tournament at City Hall. Games that will be featured in the tournament include chess, Chinese checkers, Risk, Special Edition Galactic Risk, Wizard of Oz Monopoly, Ancient Night Vale Pictionary, and the special 250th Anniversary edition of Lizard King Appeasement. If your son or daughter is participating in this once-per-decade special event, please report to City Hall for registration at 8am sharp with your child. Bring your ID, your child's scout uniform, and your child's life insurance documents.

Sunday, starting at exactly 7:18 PM, gravity will cease to function in the entire greater Night Vale area for approximately fifteen minutes. For your own safety, make sure to avoid heavy objects for approximately seventeen minutes once the law of gravity enters this temporary state of suspension.

Monday, there will be exit ramp renovations from Old Town Night Vale to the Six Flags Desert Springs exits of Route 800. Be sure to allow plenty of extra travel time on Monday, and be sure to follow all detours carefully. This has been the community calendar.

Listeners, I'm sure you can hear the incessant thumping sounds coming from the roof of the studio building, as well as from all other locations in Night Vale. It seems that the Glow Cloud has, in its own inexplicable way, has accepted Pamela Winchell's nomination, and is completing the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. The sky has turned a deep, dark purple, and the Glow Cloud, which has expanded to cover our entire city, is sending our way a torrential downpour of dead polar bears. The Glow Cloud has enveloped this station, and its all-powerful voice echoes through our halls, saying: _**THE DISEASES OF YOUR MORTAL FLESH DO NOT CONCERN ME. WEAK AND IMPERMANENT HUMANS, SINNERS ALL, BOW LOW TO THE HOT, DRY EARTH AND PLEDGE YOUR SPIT AND BLOOD TO ME. YOUR DESERT SHALL DROWN IN THE MELTING OF DISTANT ICE. GROVEL BEFORE ME, WORSHIP ME WITH YOUR WET, DYING BREATHS. THE DRAGON IS WORTHY. THE DRAGON IS WORRRRRTHYYYYYY.**_

Soooooo I think that means that the Glow Cloud has nominated Hiram McDaniels to be the next Ice Bucket Challenger of Night Vale! Hiram, you have 24 hours to submit to the Glow Cloud's demand. You have 24 hours to appease the merciful Glow Cloud with your chilled flesh. You have 24 hours to pledge your mortal body to the Glow Cloud, and to pledge your insignificant material funds to alsa.org. All hail the mighty and powerful Glow Cloud. Alllllllllll. Haaaaaaaaaailllllll. And now, moaning servants, let us offer to the Glow Cloud. Let us offer... the weather.

["Redbone" by Childish Gambino plays]

Listeners, I return with grave news. Moments after the weather segment began, I heard a long, high-pitched scream. Intern Claudia, who had stepped outside for a cigarette break, was struck by the corpse of a falling polar bear. During the weather I drove her to Night Vale General Hospital in an animal-corpse-resistant armored vehicle, where she is being treated for multiple broken bones, a few hairline skull fractures, and a very severe concussion. As of air time, she is in critical condition, and the doctors are not sure whether she will recover from her injuries. To the family and friends of Intern Claudia, we thank you for her service to Night Vale Community Radio. Our hearts are with you during this difficult time, and we join you in hope and prayer that Claudia will recover from her many injuries.

The polar bear storm stopped as I was returning from the hospital. The City Council will be sending out cleanup crews to retrieve the corpses any minute now.

Just now, I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up, and a cold breath blew past my cheek. I turned around, but there was no one behind me. When I turned back to the microphone, there was a cassette tape sitting on top of my coffee mug, with the word "STATEMENT" written in neat green cursive across the plastic case. Ladies and gentlemen, it seems as though the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home has released a statement to the radio station. [clattering of plastic] I am taking the tape out of its case... putting it in the player... and now, let's hear what she has to say. [sound of a button being pressed]

_"Do not be surprised when you return home today and find every square inch of your floor covered in ice. I put it there. I have accepted the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge on behalf of Hiram McDaniels. I received an email from Hiram's blue head detailing in complex mathematical equations the many reasons why a fire-breathing dragon cannot feasibly perform this task, and as a show of sportsmanship towards my rival for the office of Night Vale Mayor, I opted to do the challenge for him. I don't have a face, so my reaction to having cold water dumped on me would hardly be worth publicizing, and at any rate, no human nor camera has ever seen me directly, and with the way you never seem to look for me, I am starting to believe that you don't want to._

_"At my urging, Hiram is donating five rare gems - one gold, one green, one blue, one violet, and one gray - to be auctioned in lieu of a cash contribution to the ALS fundraising campaign. And, citizens of Night Vale, I urge you to do the same. Your belongings are completely covered in ice now, all frozen and wet and cold. Many of your belongings are items that you do not use, or use improperly, or items that I do not like. These items I will confiscate and burn, but other items you have in your home may be useful to charity. Night Vale, I beg you to give me your gold. I urge every citizen of Night Vale to find whatever precious metals and stones you have, in whatever form they are - your diamond rings, your silverware, your gold necklaces - anything will do, so long as it can be melted down into bars._

_Approximately half of the revenue I generate from your frozen goods will go to ALS research, and what is left after that will be given to Night Vale public schools. With every step you take on your cold and slippery floors, I want you to think about the good you can do if you let go of the material and embrace social change. I challenge every single citizen of Night Vale, not to the Ice Bucket Challenge, but to lie down on their back on their ice-strewn floors, and offer up your gold, your silver, your jewels. Also, I cleared out your DVR. It was almost full and I wanted to record a documentary on bees that's on tonight. I saved the episodes of NCIS you haven't watched, don't worry."_

[sound of a button being pressed]  
Well, it seems now that we are, all of us, ALS Challenge nominees. [piano music begins to play] I know that in the intense summer heat here, this Ice Bucket Challenge seems like some light-hearted, refreshing fun. Or, perhaps, it seems like an escape. A momentary rush of relief from the neverending ambient fire of the desert. This challenge is a call to action. It represents a duty, handed to us by friends or strangers, to pledge ourselves to help those in need. Lou Gehrig's disease is a difficult battle to fight. It wears down on not just the body, but on the spirit of the sufferer, and sometimes on those surrounding them. And if I'm going to be honest with you, listeners, I think we should do what we can to aid those who fight the war of illness, because in a way, did we not just fight the same battle? 

Did we not, mere weeks ago, rise up as one unit, one city, one system, to rid ourselves of the sick sunshine of Strexcorp? Is the battle against disease so different to the battle against a twisted corprocratic regime? I say, no, it is not so different after all. We citizens came together as white blood cells in the veins of our city to defeat a force that turned our city into... well, something that wasn't ours anymore. We took back our town, as a person cured can take back their own body. And while there is no cure for ALS, maybe with our help, researchers can make their way, step by step, closer to defeating this disease.

Tonight, listeners, I urge you to search your homes for precious gems and metals to give to ALS research. Tonight, I urge you to rise against disease as you rose against Strexcorp, and bring new life to this fundraiser. Dig deep, and you will find something.

Stay tuned next for a quiet ungendered voice reciting a list all the reasons why Sigmund Freud's theories are no longer considered valid by contemporary psychology. Good night, Night Vale, good night.

**Author's Note:**

> Today's proverb: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but it's not a guarantee. If you're really looking to break my bones, try a good body-slam, or running me over with a car.


End file.
